81 Fed. Reg. 49359

News? There IS No News!!

Ladies and gentlemen, I’ve got news for you:  There is no news.

Last week, President Donald J. Trump held a press conference.  Everyone’s watched it, commentated on it, annotated it, and shown clips, but for the benefit of those few people with the good sense to change the channel when they saw it coming, here’s a summary:  An hour-long angry rant about fake news and illegal leaks. (more…)

Bribery: A-O.K.

(Editor’s Note:  The entire editorial staff is far too wasted from our staff V-Day party right now to do any actual editing.  I’m the last man standing and I don’t get paid overtime, so to hell with it.  I’m just going to put this out as-is, with the notes from the Legal Department tipped in.  They should know what they’re doing; otherwise we’re paying them too damn much.  -JW)

Happy Valentine’s Day, Big Oil!  You can now pay bribes again!

I want to start off right now by saying that I’m not against bribes at all.  In fact, I’m so pro-bribe I’ll make it easy for you:  Just send me your money and I’ll accept it with a clean conscience.  I don’t care if you’re Big Oil, Big Tobacco, Big Shampoo, or the Illinois Nazis Peace Through World Conquest Foundation —  I’ll take your money, cash your check, and smile the whole time.

Corruption is a time-honored tradition, and it’s as American as apple pie. (more…)